fears and a remembrance of psychic readings past
I had my second meeting with N**** about I** membership today. A**** was also there, to add another perspective. I really loved talking to them and all the people in I**. I'm really touched my their generosity - and thus, high value placed - on continually encouraging the spread of this specific knowledge, information, understanding. The love of knowledge, and having a community that highly values learning and knowledge as a means of connecting and understanding our mutual humanity, are things that really touch my heart on a lovely level.
We talked about Israel/Palestine, Zionism, and the various details of all that for about half the time. I'm feeling less afraid to possibly stand out in I** context.
Other subject: I received messages from Cynthia today. She was a guest at my Airbnb sometime last year or the year before. When she stayed, she found out I offered psychic readings (at the time, this was the case) and asked to have one on the day she was leaving. It was sort of validating for me at the time because I felt as if she made this assumption i really was successful and knew what I was doing. looking back on it now, I think I have been pretty hard on myself - i really did work hard for years to develop my intuitive, healing, and psychic abilities with teachers and personal practices, even if these experiences and the ability itself is not deemed as acceptable or real by mainstream society. The truth is I was dedicated and pretty serious about it, and not seeking to exploit people, but offer a genuinely honed, professional service.
When I gave Cynthia the reading, I had a pretty clear vision for the questions she asked. It was regarding her future and her love life. I told her what I saw - and I don't remember all of it know, though I know it involved spending some times in some mountains, possibly back in the country in South America she was from. She accepted it as a real vision and somehow valuable at the time, though she expressed that it sounded highly odd and unlikely because she really didn't ant to return to her home country.
Today she called me twice and the second time I was around to answer. She told me my vision had ended up being very accurate! I was kind of amazed and intrigued to hear this. And once again, sort of validated - and I say sort of because I'm not even confident I really want psychic abilities of my own to be validated, since I'm even skeptical of their authenticity or reliability or reality myself!
She wants to have a Skype session of another psychic reading with me. She's currently back in her home country! So we may make an appointment this week. I have to find a secure way for her to pay me online.
How do I feel about this? Kind of intense, with a dash of fear/anxiety and even adrenaline, as perhaps can be felt from my writing about it. Psychic skills and abilities have rarely felt like a secure or supportive place for me to go within myself. I developed stronger intuition in a time in which I truly needed it - learning to trust my lived experience and observations. There is fear sometimes about confusing a perception for a reality - reality is complex and multilayered. Reality is also detached. Reality is also subjective. Reality... is a lot of things, depending on the context in which we'e discussing it and what we're "using" it for. I genuinely believe I have experienced some sort of "psychic" tapping into things that we don't openly discuss as possible human experiences in our modern society. I also fear there's no transparent, trustworthy, ethical way to harness it as a service for another person in the context of our society today. I don't know. I'm also excited by the prospect of continuing to be this "magical" person, or have this "magical", "otherworldly" ability. It is validating, even if I have conflicted emotion around it simultaneously.
It might help me to feel more calm and less fearful if I were to reach out to and connect with other people who do genuine psychic readings as a paid service (or maybe even not paid but for friends and family), and are not trained or lightly trained, like myself. I'd like to experience the empathy and solidarity and connection I might find there.
I thought about refusing to schedule a reading with Cynthia. But I choose to be open to it. I want to do it. Besides, he truly appreciated my reading. What would the downside to giving her a reading be? It's possible I might not feel as connected to my psychic gifts during our session, and that would make me feel... pathetic. There's generally a fear of her being disappointed, and me feeling like she no longer likes or admires me or holds me in high esteem. A people pleasing type thing. I think that might be the crux of the fear, actually - even more than the fear about the "reality" of this ability.
We talked about Israel/Palestine, Zionism, and the various details of all that for about half the time. I'm feeling less afraid to possibly stand out in I** context.
Other subject: I received messages from Cynthia today. She was a guest at my Airbnb sometime last year or the year before. When she stayed, she found out I offered psychic readings (at the time, this was the case) and asked to have one on the day she was leaving. It was sort of validating for me at the time because I felt as if she made this assumption i really was successful and knew what I was doing. looking back on it now, I think I have been pretty hard on myself - i really did work hard for years to develop my intuitive, healing, and psychic abilities with teachers and personal practices, even if these experiences and the ability itself is not deemed as acceptable or real by mainstream society. The truth is I was dedicated and pretty serious about it, and not seeking to exploit people, but offer a genuinely honed, professional service.
When I gave Cynthia the reading, I had a pretty clear vision for the questions she asked. It was regarding her future and her love life. I told her what I saw - and I don't remember all of it know, though I know it involved spending some times in some mountains, possibly back in the country in South America she was from. She accepted it as a real vision and somehow valuable at the time, though she expressed that it sounded highly odd and unlikely because she really didn't ant to return to her home country.
Today she called me twice and the second time I was around to answer. She told me my vision had ended up being very accurate! I was kind of amazed and intrigued to hear this. And once again, sort of validated - and I say sort of because I'm not even confident I really want psychic abilities of my own to be validated, since I'm even skeptical of their authenticity or reliability or reality myself!
She wants to have a Skype session of another psychic reading with me. She's currently back in her home country! So we may make an appointment this week. I have to find a secure way for her to pay me online.
How do I feel about this? Kind of intense, with a dash of fear/anxiety and even adrenaline, as perhaps can be felt from my writing about it. Psychic skills and abilities have rarely felt like a secure or supportive place for me to go within myself. I developed stronger intuition in a time in which I truly needed it - learning to trust my lived experience and observations. There is fear sometimes about confusing a perception for a reality - reality is complex and multilayered. Reality is also detached. Reality is also subjective. Reality... is a lot of things, depending on the context in which we'e discussing it and what we're "using" it for. I genuinely believe I have experienced some sort of "psychic" tapping into things that we don't openly discuss as possible human experiences in our modern society. I also fear there's no transparent, trustworthy, ethical way to harness it as a service for another person in the context of our society today. I don't know. I'm also excited by the prospect of continuing to be this "magical" person, or have this "magical", "otherworldly" ability. It is validating, even if I have conflicted emotion around it simultaneously.
It might help me to feel more calm and less fearful if I were to reach out to and connect with other people who do genuine psychic readings as a paid service (or maybe even not paid but for friends and family), and are not trained or lightly trained, like myself. I'd like to experience the empathy and solidarity and connection I might find there.
I thought about refusing to schedule a reading with Cynthia. But I choose to be open to it. I want to do it. Besides, he truly appreciated my reading. What would the downside to giving her a reading be? It's possible I might not feel as connected to my psychic gifts during our session, and that would make me feel... pathetic. There's generally a fear of her being disappointed, and me feeling like she no longer likes or admires me or holds me in high esteem. A people pleasing type thing. I think that might be the crux of the fear, actually - even more than the fear about the "reality" of this ability.
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