I'm setting up this blog after my last session with my therapist, Vic several days ago. She suggested instead of continuing to fill out the Diary Card forms she gives me, which detail my daily feels and how I utilize DBT skills, I begin to just keep a basic daily journal for myself. I'm trying out keeping this journal online, in the form of this blog. 

Some DBT related imagery:

All lives are worth living and valuable. However this is about making my specific life more worth living to me.

I'll go over more than just today. It's only 9:27AM as I write this, so there's not too much to say for today so far. 

Monday, August 6, 2018 
I went to therapy with Vic at 4PM and the DBT group at 6PM, as I often do on Mondays. I don't remember a whole lot about this day. I did have one experience with a sudden burst of anger. I was talking to one of the other people in the DBT group, a young man who is 24 (I think?) about how he had been in treatment for BPD, often inpatient, since he was a teenager. I commented that I wished I could have done that, but was unable to, and my present set up with Vic, doing the group and individual therapy weekly, was the closest thing to that I'd ever come and I liked it. He didn't grasp what I meant at first when I said I couldn't do it. Then I said I haven't had health insurance for  along time, and it hit him like a shock. He said he'd never even considered that reason for not being able to get treatment - financial/economic hindrances a.k.a. poverty. 
I felt some anger at this, though I did not express it. I observed it for some hours after this brief exchange. I felt resentment and irritation about his privilege, how he'd complained about his life though apparently had resources and/or a support system able to put him into ongoing treatment, how he'd had a high-paying job in advertising for some years and still complained about his life. I recognized that anger/jealousy/resentment/all emotion is a passing experience. I considered the impulse to have some sort of expressive outburst at him, myself, or another persona bout this, and decided to utilize opposite action - I did not act on that impulse, or on the belief that that emotion had to go somewhere or to someone or do something. I knew I preferred not to explode on him or others, and possibly damage a relationship because of that action. I utilized Wise Mind when I tried to keep a broader perspective on the situation - this isn't really a big deal; we all are new at something or some information at some point. 
Tuesday, August 7, 2018 
I don't remember a lot about this day except that set a record for myself - I applied to more jobs in one day than I ever have before. I think it was 12 jobs in one days, all through online applications. I utilized willingness in pushing through the process of applying to so many jobs, writing so many cover letters, filling out so many applications. I felt a sense of restlessness, as well as satisfaction, with this accomplishment.

I also went to see a film with Dan T. as we sometimes do on Tuesdays, since that is the discount ticket day weekly for many movie theaters. The movie is called "Eighth Grade" and it got good reviews. It was better than I expected. A large crowd was there to see it. I talked with Dan a little on the car ride home about what the movie reminded me of - how my early adolescence was both similar and very different to the one portrayed in the film. We talked about how common it is for girls to be assaulted and "cornered" by teenage (often older) boys in a way that the main character was in the film. I felt a little mournful about this in terms of of my own confusing, often alienating experiences at that time in my life. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2018 
Once again, I applied to several jobs today. I think it was nine total - all online. I felt restlessness and satisfaction once again with this accomplishment. The restlessness is related to a sense of anxiety/fear about finding or not finding stability and calm (financially, especially).

I was invited by a recruiter from Addison Group (a temp-job agency I am registered with) to work a few days at a downtown organization as a receptionist. The job would start the next day - Thursday - at 9AM. I was not thrilled that it was happening so fast, though weighing my options and situation, I decided to agree on the spot to fill in those times for the temp job. I decided not to go to the downtown concert I was considering going to that evening because I preferred to be at home, getting ready for the following day. 

I effectively following an amazing sleep routine, involving about a half hour of a sleep-oriented Kundalini yoga practice led by a video online, and then more Kundalini sleep-oriented meditation in bed. I don't think I even picked my skin on this evening, as I almost always do habitually before and.or after my nightly shower.

Thursday, August 9, 2018 
My job started at 9AM downtown and I was there a little early. 
It quickly became clear this was a friendly, relaxed position. I trained in some basics for the first few hours, asking lots of questions to the person who guided me - Suzanne. After that everything was simple, and I had a lot of free time to reading, surf the internet, stretch, or just sit around behind the receptionist desk. Few people needed my assistance when they came in. The building has very high security on the first floor so there aren't really any surprises up here in the 43rd. I felt gratitude for this simple job that pays me the current minimum wage ($12/hour) for doing something so basic and easy. It's more than I'd be paid sitting at home. 

A little dark for me, and still, some truth worth sharing.

I remember working at Whole Foods earlier this year for a slightly smaller amount - $11 and change per hour. I was really unsatisfied with that wage at the time. I still don't consider it a real living wage; at the same time, I have some perspective that I did not have back then. Making any income is good right now. It's also a temporary job, and I have bigger goals ahead of me, like graduate school and a higher-paying career. AND this job as a receptionist is WAY easier than the job I had in the meat department at Whole Foods. And I'm even paid more for this than I was for that! So perhaps it's wise mind I'm utilizing in being aware of this larger perspective.

And In the afternoon, I had a phone call that was about 20 minutes long with a prospective employer - the local hardware store in my neighborhood. I set up an interview in person with him next week on Tuesday. I felt nervous and slightly guilty that I took such a long break form sitting at the reception desk to make this call. I believe I missed a few calls during that time that came at the desk including at least one from the person who works here that is sort of supervising me - Suzanne. Anyway, despite my guilt, no one seems/seemed obviously upset. 

In the evening I tried to maintain the same calming sleep routine I had the night before. There was an interruption - Dan T. called, probably around 8:30PM. Speaking with him, I noticed how excitable I became, and my energy started to more more towards waking and getting pumped up. I told him this and managed to keep the conversation short, though I think the interruption effected my ability to calm down. I did spend time picking my skin fairly excessively before my shower. Another thing that may have disrupted my sleep was trying an alcoholic bitter for the first time after my meal, as people apparently do in Germany (I bought the bottle of bitters from Mertz Apothecary - a German-based natural apothecary). As a person who never drinks alcohol aside from tiny amounts in droppers of medicinal tinctures, this 40% alcohol probably disrupted my sleep. I woke 3-5 times throughout the night and didn't really sleep longer than 2 hours straight at any point in time. I also had ongoing abdominal/digestive sharpness, pressure, and discomfort which is not usual for me. Reflecting on this, to prevent similar events in the future, I probably won't use those bitters again (especially in the evening), and I will be more mindful of how phone calls in the evening may affect my sleep.

 

Friday, August 10, 2018 

Truthfully I prefer the European way of writing dates with the month coming second - but this site does not offer that in tandem with the day of the week displayed, and so I will keep in with that current tradition. 

I'm sitting here as receptionist at 10:55AM. I've been writing this blog with almost no interruptions from anything happening around me. I directed about five people to a conference room, I made one call to a person working here, and I signed for a massive group of packages that came visa UPS. That's about it. Otherwise I've been sitting here writing and adding imagery for this blog entry. Cool! 

I made it here on time. Everything is going well. Maybe I will write more later. I feel calm. 

Another thing to note is it has now been almost a month since I began taking a version of Lexapro, 10 mg, once a day. I believe it is helping me. I believe it is lessening the impact of the more normally intense, hard-hitting emotions and emotional states. it seems to make it easier for me to move on and not be as strongly impacted by "valleys" (very difficult emotions/experiences). This is my first time ever taking an antidepressant in my life. 

It has also been many months of taking a version of thyroxine daily, I believe its 50 mg. I think it has helped me a lot. I can't quite remember when I began taking it. Probably less than a year ago, though it has been at least 4 months, maybe much more.