I'm sitting here at 2:22PM. How do I feel?

Being a receptionist is a nice, simple job. At least at this place.

Although the A/C is very cold for little ol' me, I still like it a lot. I might be less happy is a hot office setting today. I know it's hot outside. Although when I went outside for lunch it was kind of breezy and I wasn't even hot in my winter leggings which I put on to keep warm in the A/C. If I have been moving around outside for longer maybe I would have been hot.


I'm feel somewhat hopeful for the future. Hopeful that my hopefulness will increase.

Over lunch I called two places in which I applied for work positions about two weeks ago. One is an administrative assistant position and the other in a campaign researcher (for a union). In both cases I left a message for a person who was not there. I'm trying to explore all my options thoroughly.

Last night I had some weird and dark dreams.

I think one of them involved being back in my mom's house, and a woman was there was might have been the partner of the older brother of my former brother. We'll call her Rachel. Everyone was in one room and then Rachel and I made eye contact and agreed to move into another part of the house to discuss some heavier, personal matters. It might have been related to death. This felt like kind of a sad, depressing, dark dream. Maybe I was really hot underneath my sheets last night. That often contributes to having bad dreams, I have found. I also received a text message out of the blue from my former partner E (whom I haven't talked to in probably a year and don't really want to) telling me that Rachel just lost her mother to cancer. I met her mother many years ago, back when my (former) partner's extended family felt sort of like my extended family. He said in the message, "I thought you might like to know." I guess. I mean, I haven't talked to any of these people in ages. I had to kind of forcibly let go of the masses that I met who were the nuclear and extended family of my former partner when it became clear we were parting for good.

hehehe! Fortunately I am not in such an entanglement.

Dicentra spectabilis - Bleeding heart plant

Actually what was unique about receiving that text message when I did around a week ago was that unlike all the previous times I'd heard from E in one medium or another, I didn't get super-highly triggered. Yes, it was somewhat annoying and upsetting to hear from him at all - to know that he still doesn't offer or grasp so much that some part of me wishes or wished her did. AND... Compared to the last time I received communication from him, I felt little pain in reaction to the message. And when I observed this, I couldn't help but feel I have grown emotionally and mentally since then. Perhaps I've grown wiser, or my heart is stronger, or I'm more mature. However we label it. I've grown, in a positively good way.

White Bleeding Heart flowers - Dicentra spectabilis 'Alba'

Anyway. It's now 2:48PM. Things are quiet here on the 43rd floor of a downtown building. The view is incredible. There are three massive windows that span a whole wall to my left, and I can see so far. The city is shrouded in a decently thick white mist today. The sun is reflecting brightly off this miss and everything is glowing with varying opacities of whiteness.

Bleeding Heart flowers