light reflections on relationships with my parents as a child
Last night I was up later than was ideal. I did not maintain that night sleep routine I was upholding for the two nights before. I've ha two straight days of work and now I'm off for the weekend. Last night I was picking my skin for probably a good 20 or 30 minutes. I considered doing the skin brushing, oil massage, cold shower, hot shower routine that I recently tried for the first time off a recommendation from a Kundalini yoga book. I considered it, and time passed, and then i decided I need to start something like that on the earlier side. Eventually I took my shower and headed to bed. I also didn't do the Kundalini sleep meditation I've been doing for maybe the three nights before last. I read a tiny bit then fell asleep. Fortunately I slept decently.
This morning I slept in later than I did the previous two days. I had a somewhat searing hearing and my morning stretches, yoga, and pranayama helped it mostly subside. I ate breakfast around 9:15AM. I have three, maybe four, "big" tasks for today: pick up refills from the pharmacy, pick up books I have on hold at the library, find out if I can see a dermatologist at a low rate through the local low-cost clinic I have gone to, and possibly do laundry. Other more "minor" considerations: spend time around a person I know or people somehow (in a positive way), get more snug sports bras. And then all the standard stuff: make food, eat healthy and well, drink plenty of water, read interesting material, learn things, relax, walk around outside, talk to people.
I've had some interesting thoughts an reflections floating around this morning concerning my past relationship with my mom. With all the therapy and growth and healing I've been moving through, assisted by therapy and choices I make daily, I have distance from that relationship that I haven't had before. I see now my mother was constantly lying to me, and then probably also, to many others. Maybe even to herself. Even typing that is difficult because I rarely like to make statements about what other people are doing. No wonder I have so much anger towards her. It hurts a lot to witness reality and then be told that what I just heard or saw is false, and I am mistaken; and it hurts to be consistently told this nearly everyday as a child, for years and years.
My therapist suggested in our last session that based on anecdotes I shared about my parents' behaviors when i was a kid, both of my parents seem to have been very poor at emotional management. Yes, I was aware of this in a way, especially regarding my mom - but indeed, it was both of them, in slightly differing ways. My dad seemed to lose control, and my mom seemed to have no insight or humility into her own actions and behaviors towards me. But not only that (regarding my mom), she also regularly lied, perhaps to maintain some sense of control on her and my and others' lives (?). Anyway, when my therapist said this, for some reason it made me feel a little more compassion towards my parents and the difficulty they had in their personal mental health. It allowed me to take their actions towards me a little less personally and grasp that they were likely struggling hard internally. And maybe it's difficult for me to understand their unique internal struggles - particularly my mom, because I feel her behaviors towards me were so harmful and possibly even malicious. Still, I can imagine that, for whatever reason, both of my parents were struggling with their own pains inside (even if, in the case of my mom, she basically never acknowledged that kind of thing).
This morning I slept in later than I did the previous two days. I had a somewhat searing hearing and my morning stretches, yoga, and pranayama helped it mostly subside. I ate breakfast around 9:15AM. I have three, maybe four, "big" tasks for today: pick up refills from the pharmacy, pick up books I have on hold at the library, find out if I can see a dermatologist at a low rate through the local low-cost clinic I have gone to, and possibly do laundry. Other more "minor" considerations: spend time around a person I know or people somehow (in a positive way), get more snug sports bras. And then all the standard stuff: make food, eat healthy and well, drink plenty of water, read interesting material, learn things, relax, walk around outside, talk to people.
I've had some interesting thoughts an reflections floating around this morning concerning my past relationship with my mom. With all the therapy and growth and healing I've been moving through, assisted by therapy and choices I make daily, I have distance from that relationship that I haven't had before. I see now my mother was constantly lying to me, and then probably also, to many others. Maybe even to herself. Even typing that is difficult because I rarely like to make statements about what other people are doing. No wonder I have so much anger towards her. It hurts a lot to witness reality and then be told that what I just heard or saw is false, and I am mistaken; and it hurts to be consistently told this nearly everyday as a child, for years and years.
My therapist suggested in our last session that based on anecdotes I shared about my parents' behaviors when i was a kid, both of my parents seem to have been very poor at emotional management. Yes, I was aware of this in a way, especially regarding my mom - but indeed, it was both of them, in slightly differing ways. My dad seemed to lose control, and my mom seemed to have no insight or humility into her own actions and behaviors towards me. But not only that (regarding my mom), she also regularly lied, perhaps to maintain some sense of control on her and my and others' lives (?). Anyway, when my therapist said this, for some reason it made me feel a little more compassion towards my parents and the difficulty they had in their personal mental health. It allowed me to take their actions towards me a little less personally and grasp that they were likely struggling hard internally. And maybe it's difficult for me to understand their unique internal struggles - particularly my mom, because I feel her behaviors towards me were so harmful and possibly even malicious. Still, I can imagine that, for whatever reason, both of my parents were struggling with their own pains inside (even if, in the case of my mom, she basically never acknowledged that kind of thing).
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