untwisting the self pleasure and self criticism and the major pain. Also, sweet video.
Tonight I pleasured myself for the first time since I mentioned my major self-pleasuring problems with my therapist. I think that was a week and a half ago.. or maybe two and a half weeks ago.
I decided to look at a video on Pornhub. That was inspired by watching a sex ed video on YouTube among many other non-sex related videos I was watching during that time this evening. One of the sex educators is in fact a porn performer who i have seen in videos in the past. So I had this feeling like... Let's spice things up tonight. Bring a little jiggle to the mingle (??). See what I can conjure in touching myself. See how I can get excited, pleasured, distracted from life, relaxed, focused.
I felt shame once I was watching the video. Maybe even before that, when I was setting myself up for the experience. I also felt some sadness, probably related to a sense of missing having a partner - although I also am not sure I really have any positive memories of sexual partnership to touch on. Maybe some. Maybe? So many of those people hurt me in many other ways - or whether they hurt me or not, I felt deeply hurt with them somehow in a lasting manner.
I starting touching myself. A man was penetrated by a woman. Her situation reminded me of things I've felt - wanting to nurture and care for a man. However, that also is tied up in painful emotions and judgments. It reminds me of feeling I have to consistently prove my worth in order to be loved. Have I ever really felt loved? I don't know. All the same, I could relate to the woman.
Maybe more importantly I liked how the man - a dominating figure (men in general) in our society and world, often hurtfully and irresponsibly so - was opening up to her, the woman. He was totally vulnerable. He put himself in a vulnerable position, ready to fully trust her and receive pleasure from her. That inspired me to touch myself, and excited me mentally somewhat, too.
I remembered also feelings of shame, doubt, and disgust I've had repeatedly about this particular action - pegging - and how it turns me on. I've also noticed I've fantasized about it, but when it comes to reality, I'm not sure I'd ever want to be the pegger. I have strong feelings of disinterest in it. Or... who knows? maybe I'll try it someday and actually like it, not feeling shame, and not feeling like it diminishes my relationship with the person being pegged.
The video was fairly long though near the end it wouldn't load properly. I turned on a different video, by a sex educator again. She was talking about something a little less arousing in this video, and very animated. The video did not turn me on that I could tell but I kept touching myself. Interestingly, it was at this point that I started to ejaculate and feel a different ease and level of pleasure. Was it because the video distracted me from my own negative thoughts and emotions sufficiently to allow for more pleasure to come through?
Throughout the time I pleasured myself this evening, I noticed a lot of thoughts and memories related to several past sexual partners. Ben came up the most, as he was not only my most recent, but also, I spoke to him on the phone this evening for the first time in over a year. My memories were very heavily negative, even though technically I was never coerced. I could go deeper into all the specific ways they were negative but I'll save that for another time.
I just kept telling myself things like, "This pleasure is just for me, and no one else. None of these guys. No men. No partners. I don't have to please anyone else- partners, rapists, curious boys, frightened boys, sex educators, promiscuous people, people with different sexual morals or ideas or orientations. This is not about Ben. This is not about other men. This is about no one but me, and what feels good for me. I don't have t fake, try hard, perform, make sure I get to some level. I can relax. What if I just totally relaxed and was not attached t any outcome or even momentary outcome?" And so on. I had to keep reminding myself... that man is not here. This is for me!
I also remember articulating in my mind... All or most of each pleasurable sensation is also tied up in equal pain. Not in a good way. I think... it's more mental than physical in its origin. I'm not sure, though.
And then, on a separate note, I watched this super awesome video:
I decided to look at a video on Pornhub. That was inspired by watching a sex ed video on YouTube among many other non-sex related videos I was watching during that time this evening. One of the sex educators is in fact a porn performer who i have seen in videos in the past. So I had this feeling like... Let's spice things up tonight. Bring a little jiggle to the mingle (??). See what I can conjure in touching myself. See how I can get excited, pleasured, distracted from life, relaxed, focused.
I felt shame once I was watching the video. Maybe even before that, when I was setting myself up for the experience. I also felt some sadness, probably related to a sense of missing having a partner - although I also am not sure I really have any positive memories of sexual partnership to touch on. Maybe some. Maybe? So many of those people hurt me in many other ways - or whether they hurt me or not, I felt deeply hurt with them somehow in a lasting manner.
I starting touching myself. A man was penetrated by a woman. Her situation reminded me of things I've felt - wanting to nurture and care for a man. However, that also is tied up in painful emotions and judgments. It reminds me of feeling I have to consistently prove my worth in order to be loved. Have I ever really felt loved? I don't know. All the same, I could relate to the woman.
Maybe more importantly I liked how the man - a dominating figure (men in general) in our society and world, often hurtfully and irresponsibly so - was opening up to her, the woman. He was totally vulnerable. He put himself in a vulnerable position, ready to fully trust her and receive pleasure from her. That inspired me to touch myself, and excited me mentally somewhat, too.
I remembered also feelings of shame, doubt, and disgust I've had repeatedly about this particular action - pegging - and how it turns me on. I've also noticed I've fantasized about it, but when it comes to reality, I'm not sure I'd ever want to be the pegger. I have strong feelings of disinterest in it. Or... who knows? maybe I'll try it someday and actually like it, not feeling shame, and not feeling like it diminishes my relationship with the person being pegged.
The video was fairly long though near the end it wouldn't load properly. I turned on a different video, by a sex educator again. She was talking about something a little less arousing in this video, and very animated. The video did not turn me on that I could tell but I kept touching myself. Interestingly, it was at this point that I started to ejaculate and feel a different ease and level of pleasure. Was it because the video distracted me from my own negative thoughts and emotions sufficiently to allow for more pleasure to come through?
Throughout the time I pleasured myself this evening, I noticed a lot of thoughts and memories related to several past sexual partners. Ben came up the most, as he was not only my most recent, but also, I spoke to him on the phone this evening for the first time in over a year. My memories were very heavily negative, even though technically I was never coerced. I could go deeper into all the specific ways they were negative but I'll save that for another time.
I just kept telling myself things like, "This pleasure is just for me, and no one else. None of these guys. No men. No partners. I don't have to please anyone else- partners, rapists, curious boys, frightened boys, sex educators, promiscuous people, people with different sexual morals or ideas or orientations. This is not about Ben. This is not about other men. This is about no one but me, and what feels good for me. I don't have t fake, try hard, perform, make sure I get to some level. I can relax. What if I just totally relaxed and was not attached t any outcome or even momentary outcome?" And so on. I had to keep reminding myself... that man is not here. This is for me!
I also remember articulating in my mind... All or most of each pleasurable sensation is also tied up in equal pain. Not in a good way. I think... it's more mental than physical in its origin. I'm not sure, though.
And then, on a separate note, I watched this super awesome video:
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