summer solstice reflections on all the various changes at a cafe
Since Saturday April 13th M and I have been dating. Again ad again acknowledging it, accepting it. It has been a really wild and rocky and interesting road. There has been pleasure. I'd like to say it's been really happy and joyful all the time though I don;t think that's accurate. Something keeps me staying - and him, too.
in many ways it's a heavily dark and difficult time in my life. A heavy time especially.
This week, once I finish my questionnaire my realtor gave me to fill out about my condo specifications, my condo unit will have listings on the real estate market. This is an immense moment. Even more immense will be the moment I have a buyer, an the moment I approve of a buyer. This has been pretty much a decade in the making. it's been hard to choose a realtor I trust. It's been hard to feel strong and sure enough to move this process along on my own. People have helped me along the way - notably BDM, DT, and my realtor, and probably a few others along the way I'm forgetting at the moment. What will I feel once I sell? Once I actually have to move out, and take all my possessions out, too? Once I have to find another place to live? At the moment I vaguely feel a sense of terror, fear, disorientation, overwhelm, excitement, shame... plenty of positive emotions have expressed themselves at times, too, though I'm not feeling as aware of them at this very moment. I remember looking forward to
Another big change happening now: the weather and the season. I mean it has been a decently long, cool Spring for the most part. Now we're into summer and it's been pretty humid, and largely cool. Today's sort of hot and the forecast predicts this week to be in the 80s (F). I'm not a fan of that. Especially while still living in the my condo. I was hoping I would be gone before I had to put in the A/C unit... Who knows? Its still possible.
Another thing happening in this romantic relationship I mentioned already. It is not like anything I've done before. I'm constantly encountering triggers and I have a suspicion that are some major problems that need to be addressed, and some of our assumptions and behaviors will have to change in order to keep this venture going. I'm continually questioning whether it's a good idea... whether it's the best relationship, the best person I could choose for the venture. But the "what if's" can kill a person. I was longing for loving partnership. At what points do I decide to trust him more deeply, let him in more deeply? At what points do I erect or assert a boundary, make it absolutely clear I am NOT okay or flexible with this aspect of our relationship? I feel I largely have no positive role models, no guides. My parents were a horror and I never knew why they were married in the first place - not to mention how they each related to me individually. M and I constantly trigger each other. He experienced a lot of trauma in his household as a child as well, and he has done a lot of therapy - seemingly more than I have. So we continually trigger each other. I have to find a way to have more downtime, more calm, more acceptance, more faith in the stability of our relationship. But I still question whether I even want this. And i question whether I'll ever really get what I need in this relationship with him (whatever all those things are!?) and whether I'll ever feel fully capable of really being seen and feel equal and human and even with him. So all of this is a massive adjustment and requires a whole lot of presence, study, awareness, and perhaps hardest of all of these - continually speaking for myself, my desires, my changing needs - to him. Learning to speak for myself, articulate my inner state, needs and emotions and convey it to another in a way that feels most effective - wow, challenging stuff.
Another big thing: because of this romance, my friendship with BDM is changing. I seem to have less time for him, and while we have never really been romantic (though we were sexually relating for a brief time some years ago), there is a sense of grievance and mourning with this adjustment. We still love each other and trust each other. I think both of us are working hard to reevaluate the how we must adjust our distance and expectations of each other and our friendship now that I am seriously dating someone. And to top it all off, BDM is also moving into his very first solo apartment this coming week - so he's going through his own major shifts also.
Another shift: I have officially been rejected from all four graduate schools I applied to. That sucked to finally find out this month, though I welcomed the closure and ability to move on to other things. I had already mostly emotionally prepared myself for this possibility... but what this means is I need to come up with a new plan. Likely I will apply to more graduate schools - maybe some of the same, maybe others. And maybe even a different degree level or subject/field. What this means is I have a lot of work ahead of me, including some good self-reflection on how I want to take advantage of my experience with applying to graduate school last year... and how I can make it even more likely to end successfully his time around.
With the graduate school rejections comes the reinforcement of the reality I am working in a job I absolutely hate to make income. This was the only job I could get without disrespecting more of my basic health needs (what hours I can work or how far to have to travel, for example). I never planned on being in it this long. In 2 or 3 months. i will have been there one year! I'll have the right to paid vacation (for some small amount of days once a year). Plus, in July, the minimum wage goes up here - from $12 to $13/hour. And I get some pleasure from organizing things a la Tetris or just plain rational style. Those positives stated... I hate my jobs for a vast many reasons. So much I don't even really want to go into them now. I have much anger about my job situation. In order to change this, I need to get better at standing out as a job applicant, and pour in those job applications. This week I am taking a few extra days off which feels like a great and gracious relief, though I know it will cost me. Once i sell my condo, I won't feel as stressed about making enough money in a horrendous job. Til then, though, I need to make ends meet - and I can only tolerate this job for so much longer. It cannot be overstated how far i have come in my mental and emotional and relational stamina through experiences in this job (and DBT therapy tools utilized). I could never have tolerated this so long and made it to this point and even be a well-liked worker (by some anyway) if this were, oh say, 2017 instead of 2018/2019. I've come a long way. but gosh darnit, this job doesn't deserve me, and I deserve much better. This is one of the hardest and most depressing things I'm dealing with right now.
For the first time ever I got the Depo-Provera BC shot which lasts three months and has a very high success rate... M (who I'm dating) suggested getting on BC. And who likes condoms? Not I, not he. So I thought I'd risk it. My hormones are driving me wild in fairly unknown or un-provable ways. I think it's affecting my mental health and stability. So that's an interesting change and element in this time period for me.
I'm still not in contact with my mother at all - and by extension, not in contact with anyone on that side of the family aside from her brother (who barely talks to her and is very independent from the rest of the family). This continues to seems like a hard, but best choice. Occasionally I feel very sad about it. Though I still stand by it.
PS - I still do not have web access for my laptop at home.😂😆🙏
in many ways it's a heavily dark and difficult time in my life. A heavy time especially.
This week, once I finish my questionnaire my realtor gave me to fill out about my condo specifications, my condo unit will have listings on the real estate market. This is an immense moment. Even more immense will be the moment I have a buyer, an the moment I approve of a buyer. This has been pretty much a decade in the making. it's been hard to choose a realtor I trust. It's been hard to feel strong and sure enough to move this process along on my own. People have helped me along the way - notably BDM, DT, and my realtor, and probably a few others along the way I'm forgetting at the moment. What will I feel once I sell? Once I actually have to move out, and take all my possessions out, too? Once I have to find another place to live? At the moment I vaguely feel a sense of terror, fear, disorientation, overwhelm, excitement, shame... plenty of positive emotions have expressed themselves at times, too, though I'm not feeling as aware of them at this very moment. I remember looking forward to
- feeling free to move wherever and whenever i want without having to always return to (and pay costs of) a condo I own to pay bills, maintain, etc.
- having a new big chunk of money (almost pure profit for me since I did not buy the place) from selling
- no longer having to pay all the bills for a place I don't really want to own or inhabit
- having choice and opportunity to customize my own (new) home - kind of for the first time
- actualizing (or at least having opportunity to actualize) visions of a more preferable home life I've had for years
- feeling less pressure to hold a job I absolutely hate (currently happening because I have to pay condo bills and have no other money) because I'll have the profit from the sale
- literally feeling lighter in parts of my body where I carry horrible tension and weight of this situation and the responsibility of it - my shoulders, for example.
- perhaps an increased, real sense of autonomy, independence, triumph, and adulthood.
Another big change happening now: the weather and the season. I mean it has been a decently long, cool Spring for the most part. Now we're into summer and it's been pretty humid, and largely cool. Today's sort of hot and the forecast predicts this week to be in the 80s (F). I'm not a fan of that. Especially while still living in the my condo. I was hoping I would be gone before I had to put in the A/C unit... Who knows? Its still possible.
Another thing happening in this romantic relationship I mentioned already. It is not like anything I've done before. I'm constantly encountering triggers and I have a suspicion that are some major problems that need to be addressed, and some of our assumptions and behaviors will have to change in order to keep this venture going. I'm continually questioning whether it's a good idea... whether it's the best relationship, the best person I could choose for the venture. But the "what if's" can kill a person. I was longing for loving partnership. At what points do I decide to trust him more deeply, let him in more deeply? At what points do I erect or assert a boundary, make it absolutely clear I am NOT okay or flexible with this aspect of our relationship? I feel I largely have no positive role models, no guides. My parents were a horror and I never knew why they were married in the first place - not to mention how they each related to me individually. M and I constantly trigger each other. He experienced a lot of trauma in his household as a child as well, and he has done a lot of therapy - seemingly more than I have. So we continually trigger each other. I have to find a way to have more downtime, more calm, more acceptance, more faith in the stability of our relationship. But I still question whether I even want this. And i question whether I'll ever really get what I need in this relationship with him (whatever all those things are!?) and whether I'll ever feel fully capable of really being seen and feel equal and human and even with him. So all of this is a massive adjustment and requires a whole lot of presence, study, awareness, and perhaps hardest of all of these - continually speaking for myself, my desires, my changing needs - to him. Learning to speak for myself, articulate my inner state, needs and emotions and convey it to another in a way that feels most effective - wow, challenging stuff.
Another big thing: because of this romance, my friendship with BDM is changing. I seem to have less time for him, and while we have never really been romantic (though we were sexually relating for a brief time some years ago), there is a sense of grievance and mourning with this adjustment. We still love each other and trust each other. I think both of us are working hard to reevaluate the how we must adjust our distance and expectations of each other and our friendship now that I am seriously dating someone. And to top it all off, BDM is also moving into his very first solo apartment this coming week - so he's going through his own major shifts also.
Another shift: I have officially been rejected from all four graduate schools I applied to. That sucked to finally find out this month, though I welcomed the closure and ability to move on to other things. I had already mostly emotionally prepared myself for this possibility... but what this means is I need to come up with a new plan. Likely I will apply to more graduate schools - maybe some of the same, maybe others. And maybe even a different degree level or subject/field. What this means is I have a lot of work ahead of me, including some good self-reflection on how I want to take advantage of my experience with applying to graduate school last year... and how I can make it even more likely to end successfully his time around.
With the graduate school rejections comes the reinforcement of the reality I am working in a job I absolutely hate to make income. This was the only job I could get without disrespecting more of my basic health needs (what hours I can work or how far to have to travel, for example). I never planned on being in it this long. In 2 or 3 months. i will have been there one year! I'll have the right to paid vacation (for some small amount of days once a year). Plus, in July, the minimum wage goes up here - from $12 to $13/hour. And I get some pleasure from organizing things a la Tetris or just plain rational style. Those positives stated... I hate my jobs for a vast many reasons. So much I don't even really want to go into them now. I have much anger about my job situation. In order to change this, I need to get better at standing out as a job applicant, and pour in those job applications. This week I am taking a few extra days off which feels like a great and gracious relief, though I know it will cost me. Once i sell my condo, I won't feel as stressed about making enough money in a horrendous job. Til then, though, I need to make ends meet - and I can only tolerate this job for so much longer. It cannot be overstated how far i have come in my mental and emotional and relational stamina through experiences in this job (and DBT therapy tools utilized). I could never have tolerated this so long and made it to this point and even be a well-liked worker (by some anyway) if this were, oh say, 2017 instead of 2018/2019. I've come a long way. but gosh darnit, this job doesn't deserve me, and I deserve much better. This is one of the hardest and most depressing things I'm dealing with right now.
For the first time ever I got the Depo-Provera BC shot which lasts three months and has a very high success rate... M (who I'm dating) suggested getting on BC. And who likes condoms? Not I, not he. So I thought I'd risk it. My hormones are driving me wild in fairly unknown or un-provable ways. I think it's affecting my mental health and stability. So that's an interesting change and element in this time period for me.
I'm still not in contact with my mother at all - and by extension, not in contact with anyone on that side of the family aside from her brother (who barely talks to her and is very independent from the rest of the family). This continues to seems like a hard, but best choice. Occasionally I feel very sad about it. Though I still stand by it.
PS - I still do not have web access for my laptop at home.😂😆🙏
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